Suicide?
Actually, April is the month that has the highest rate of suicide, not December, as many people would think.
Personally I become almost psychotic in my level of depression in the spring. If I ever do off myself, it will be sometime between mid-March and the beginning of May.
I had a particularly bad day yesterday. I tried to destroy most of my written work. Some of this stuff I started working on 17 years ago. Some of it was written as long ago as 30 years.
When responding to an email I had some other insights and some insight from my friend as well.
The person that is most horrible, hateful and harsh when it comes to me is me. I am completely unforgiving. My expectations for myself are astronomical. Ironically its these very same astronomical expecations that make me sabotage myself so many times. I know that Pelle/Dead held himself/themselves to impossibly high standards too. The way he speaks about himself even now, he is never good-looking enough, intelligent enough, talented enough. Dead said that spring for him also seemed to be a mirror of his "ugliness and failure." This self-hate obviously became intense enough to cause him to end his life, but there were other factors. He was also intensely lonely and felt dreadfully misunderstood. He had some problems that wouldn't have gone away without intense help, but he was at a loss as to where to get such help, in part feeling ashamed, in part feeling as if he didn't deserve, in part fearing that he would be locked up if he revealed what he was thinking. He had an intense fear of being "caged," which led him to be strikingly law-abiding in spite of expressing certain radical opinions.
The irony is that he in fact ended up caging himself with ridiculously rigid expectations--something to which he did not hold anyone else.
We understand each other because within, we are much the same. The intense hatred and darkness is self-directed and self-destructive.
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